You have less than four hours left to exercise your right to vote. I know I did. Because I love democracy. In the past 12 months I have voted for the President of the United States of America. I have voted for EU parliamentarians. But maybe, nay, definitely, most important of all, I have voted for the Hairy Swede and A Swedish American in Sweden as the Best Language Blog. (When campaigning, it’s important to use the third person.) Now, seeing as how I am not, in fact, an Iranian dictator, or a New Jersey politician, I would never push you towards any sort of voter fraud. But please note that while voting twice is wrong, voting once from your home computer and once from your work computer is basically like casting a vote for freedom. And we all love freedom.
Like any good campaign, I feel the need to introduce myself. Maybe explain why my parents named me as they did. Despite your thoughts, that damn, his parents are mean, you would be wrong. They saw the potential. The potential for hairiness. And they were right.
Now I am, true to my name, hairy. The five o’clock shadow tends to be more of a 96 hour shadow. If you’re lucky, you might catch me with an old undershirt on. You know the ones where the neck is stretched out from repeatedly being pulled over an ever-growing dome. If that is the case, you might just catch a glimpse of chest hair poking out. Ants venture into the forest of leg air and die there. They get lost and starve to death. Seriously. I am a hairy man.
Now that we’ve had a chance to get to know each other, let me tell you where I stand on the issues. I’m a simple man, some might say simpleminded but those people suck. So I stand for just a few things. For example:
Good steaks. Because steak is delicious. So I promise a steak on every table. Even the vegetarian tables.
Good sport. Not soccer, because, as I mentioned, the sport needs to be good. Which is exactly why I will implement a shot clock in soccer to speed up the game.
Good books. Because if you don’t read, well, I judge you. And so, I will randomly be sending books to people in Sweden so I can judge you less.
Good country music. Because, if you like stories, then you have to like country music. And everyone likes stories, except for puppy murderers. And you don’t want to be a puppy murderer do you?
Unfortunately, I’m not a good politician. Although, I did manage to get myself voted President of my dorm hall freshman year. Mostly because the other guy made some wise-ass remark that pissed off all the girls in the room. The girls outnumbered us by about three to one. But I digress, because I am not a good politician, I probably won’t be able to come through on any of my promises. Strangely enough, that actually puts me right up there with most elected officials. Both Swedish and American.
Welcome to Sweden. And my blatant yet incredibly lame attempt for adulation.
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