Thursday, September 17, 2009

Massive Voter Fraud in Sweden

I think can we can all remember the exciting voting process that took place not too long ago. It was an historic event. Months later the results are finally in.

Well, actually the results were in months ago, but I asked for a recount. Turns out there was evidence of massive fraud. And by evidence I mean obvious fabrications which I concocted on the fly. Over 100% of the voting population in certain constituencies were represented. Now math was never my strong point, but you can’t technically have more than 100%.

As we had already determined long ago I am, and in turn this blog is, awesome. May I remind you that I was asked to leave the country by several kind contributors to the comments section? And don’t forget that I was accused of sniffing glue as well as not being very smart but good with words. That’s like a friend telling you that the blind date he just set you up with “has a good personality” or that the greeter at Walmart is “a good man. He tries hard.” It just doesn’t help the self esteem.

Here are the results of the Top 100 Language Blogs 2009. Feel free to scroll around looking for my blog. Keep scrolling. Seriously. Keep scrolling. Just a little bit more. And one more time. There you go. 92nd place. I know you should never start a sentence with a number without writing it out, but I don’t even know how to spell 92nd. That’s how far down the polls I was. 92nd. Out of 100.

Now I think we can all agree that these results were highly suspicious. I had obviously stumbled upon massive voter fraud here in Sweden. How could this very blog, this blog that brings you so much joy and insight into Sweden, not be listed amongst the best language blogs of 2009? I know what you’re thinking, it is impossible. And I agree.

Which is why I requested a recount. I wanted to see ink stained space bars. I wanted to see "I voted!" stickers. I wanted voter registration cards. But I was denied. My quest to protest, to start a movement championing my cause, represented by the color orange, obviously the best color in the world, died in its infancy. Struck down by the higher powers that be. I couldn’t handle the shadows. Always lurking. The strange clicks in the night. I feel fairly confident that the moldy smell in my apartment was an attempt by the opposition to silence me. And it worked. I’m still 92nd out of 100.

Alright, I lied. I didn’t request a recount. But lying is acceptable when discussing voter fraud. Just ask Hamid Karzai. Or Abdullah Abdullah.

You may remember that I was listed first on the ballots. The beauty of that simple “A” at the front of the blog. But clearly it wasn’t enough. A friend told me that little old Sweden just couldn’t compete with the big boys. Like English or Japanese language blogs. Of course, since I write in English it didn’t really make me feel any better.

In the end I must take responsibility for the loss. My campaign promises fell hollow. My misuse of commas emerged. In the end, so many others were able to blog about a language in a way that educated people. Unwrapped the mystery that is a foreign language. I don’t do that.

So after months of self reflection, I can only say this:
"Words never quit. They never surrender.They never hide from history. Words make history."

Welcome to Sweden. And my concession speech, with a little help from John McCain.

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  1. Greetings from Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada.

    I'm considering moving to Sweden and I found your blog when doing a Google search. Well, every now and then, a search turns up a nugget of pure gold, and that's what I think your blog is. It's been bookmarked and I've spent the last two days just going through your past entries.

    Bonus - there's a Swedish consulate right here in this city.

    Keep up the good work, and in a very slight attempt to remain on the topic of this post, it sucks to hear that you're listed so low amongst the Top 100. But hey, any publicity is good publicity, eh?

  2. wow and I even voted for you! My vote should be worth like a hundred votes, don't you think? ;)

  3. You don't actually write about the Swedish language all that often. Just sayin'. I *did* vote for you, but my candidates haven't been winners lately. So there you have it.

    And why don't you ever hear people say, "It's your loss!" in concession speeches? I think I'd like that.

  4. you are always a winner to me!

  5. oops meant to put my name on that of course it is ME that said that above comment!

  6. I'm really disappointed, I was hoping you'd win! :/ maybe it's because your from the U.S. or they don't appreciate your humor.

  7. @Anonymous - Yeah! That got to be it! Damn this constant discrimination against Americans!

    Or maybe, it's the fact that it's not really that focused on language (sorry Hairy Swede) as some of the other blogs on that list.

  8. Good that you're being big about it. I mean, not petty. On the bright side, you did really well considering you don't write a language blog.

    Sorry about the lack of "I voted" stickers. What if I wear my "I farted" t-shirt?

  9. Varför skriver du inte på svenska? Du gör det för lätt för dig! :P

    Förresten, härmed uppmanar jag alla som kommenterar denna blogg att kommentera på svenska! =)

  10. @Anonymous: It would be dumb to expect everyone in the world to understand Swedish, don't you think? You just would like it to be easy for you.
    Hairy, being among 100 is an achievement per se. Good job! Usually the best are not the most famous.

  11. Awww... you are my #1 foreign language blog, Hairy.

  12. @anonymous – glad you found the blog and that its entertained you a bit. Hopefully its been a little bit helpful.

    And I agree, I think it good old Mr. Barnum who said something along those lines. And when a circus man says something, I listen.

    @Jessy – Absolutely. In fact, I think the votes should be weighted to favor me.

    @Tod – seriously.

    @E – Well... you make a good point.

    I was damn close to pinning the blame on everyone but myself. I feel like thats something you can only do once thouhg, so I think Im going to save it for later in life. Just in case.

    @anonymous/mamma – aww shucks.

    @anonymous – Clearly that is the reason. My sense of humor is just too nuanced I think.

    @Robban – why must you always ruin things Robban?

    @robert61 – I would actually prefer the I farted t-shirt. Farts are hilarious.

    @anonymous – because I focus on the American side of things. And I’m lazy. Because you’re right, writing in English does make it a lot easier on myself than writing in Swedish.

    @Smek – Oooh I like it! My genius is unrecognized.

    @An American Girl – Well golly, thanks!

  13. Sorry, I just wanted to be ... uhm... I don't know, I just thought it would be a funny comment or whatever... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you...

  14. Well, two weeks later, I feel like I can respond to this and accept your apology. All is forgiven. For now.

  15. I found your blog when I was looking for blogs to make my poor English better.
    Och jag försöker fortfarande att förbättra mins kunskaper på svenska. Därför vore det bättre om du kunde skriva lite svenska också!
    Och kanske lite tyska - that`s my mother tongue and it would make things easier.....

    Besides: your blog i top!

  16. oh so many language requests. I probably should write some in Sweden. We'll see. Although my German knowledge is limited to danke and bitte. So for your sake I won't try to butcher your language!