I think can we can all remember the exciting voting process that took place not too long ago. It was an historic event. Months later the results are finally in.
Well, actually the results were in months ago, but I asked for a recount. Turns out there was evidence of massive fraud. And by evidence I mean obvious fabrications which I concocted on the fly. Over 100% of the voting population in certain constituencies were represented. Now math was never my strong point, but you can’t technically have more than 100%.
As we had already determined long ago I am, and in turn this blog is, awesome. May I remind you that I was asked to leave the country by several kind contributors to the comments section? And don’t forget that I was accused of sniffing glue as well as not being very smart but good with words. That’s like a friend telling you that the blind date he just set you up with “has a good personality” or that the greeter at Walmart is “a good man. He tries hard.” It just doesn’t help the self esteem.
Here are the results of the Top 100 Language Blogs 2009. Feel free to scroll around looking for my blog. Keep scrolling. Seriously. Keep scrolling. Just a little bit more. And one more time. There you go. 92nd place. I know you should never start a sentence with a number without writing it out, but I don’t even know how to spell 92nd. That’s how far down the polls I was. 92nd. Out of 100.
Now I think we can all agree that these results were highly suspicious. I had obviously stumbled upon massive voter fraud here in Sweden. How could this very blog, this blog that brings you so much joy and insight into Sweden, not be listed amongst the best language blogs of 2009? I know what you’re thinking, it is impossible. And I agree.
Which is why I requested a recount. I wanted to see ink stained space bars. I wanted to see "I voted!" stickers. I wanted voter registration cards. But I was denied. My quest to protest, to start a movement championing my cause, represented by the color orange, obviously the best color in the world, died in its infancy. Struck down by the higher powers that be. I couldn’t handle the shadows. Always lurking. The strange clicks in the night. I feel fairly confident that the moldy smell in my apartment was an attempt by the opposition to silence me. And it worked. I’m still 92nd out of 100.
Alright, I lied. I didn’t request a recount. But lying is acceptable when discussing voter fraud. Just ask Hamid Karzai. Or Abdullah Abdullah.
You may remember that I was listed first on the ballots. The beauty of that simple “A” at the front of the blog. But clearly it wasn’t enough. A friend told me that little old Sweden just couldn’t compete with the big boys. Like English or Japanese language blogs. Of course, since I write in English it didn’t really make me feel any better.
In the end I must take responsibility for the loss. My campaign promises fell hollow. My misuse of commas emerged. In the end, so many others were able to blog about a language in a way that educated people. Unwrapped the mystery that is a foreign language. I don’t do that.
So after months of self reflection, I can only say this:
"Words never quit. They never surrender.They never hide from history. Words make history."
Welcome to Sweden. And my concession speech, with a little help from John McCain.
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