Sunday, November 29, 2009

Murderous Swedish Moose

Over two years ago I wrote a post titled Beware the Swedish Elk. A Swedish Elk, or a moose to Americans, was wounded by a hunter. Not dead, the hunter approached the moose and somehow the moose managed to fire off a shot with the hunter’s rifle. It missed and the moose died. I wrote then that:

“In the fight for equality, seldom is the first fight the deciding fight, or the last for that matter. I expect Swedish Elk attacks to rise this hunting season, and as time goes on lives will be lost, Swedish Elk will be revered as heroes and martyrs within the forests of Sweden and no hunter will be safe. And so, to all of you who plan on shooting an elk, I can only say one thing: Beware the Swedish Elk.”

Two years later, my predictions are proving to be right. Feel free to refer to me as Hairy Nostraswedus. News reports are coming out that a murder case from September of 2008 is about to have a break through. A 63 year old woman was found dead near a lake. The husband was immediately arrested and spent 10 days in prison as well as being suspected for over five months.

Today though, it turns out his wife was murdered by a moose. Murdered. By a moose. The woman was attacked and killed by a moose. At least, the moose saliva and hair found on the body would suggest that. The Swedish police will hold a press conference on Tuesday to confirm the rumors. And their own incompetence of course. Because who are we kidding, regardless of the circumstances, to figure out one year later that a woman suspected to have been murdered by her husband was actually killed by a moose... that’s just embarrassing for Sweden’s finest.

Had they only read my predictions, this poor man would have been allowed to mourn his wife rather than be suspected of murder. Just one year after the initial attack by the Swedish moose against the armed hunter, the revolution continues. It seems that the moose of Sweden have risen up and taken back the forests. Unfortunately, innocent lives were lost in the beginning of the revolution as unarmed older woman have now been killed. The moose claim collateral damage, but all I see are war crimes.

As the Swedish moose run free, I encourage all able bodied Swedes to join the droves of hunters, take up arms, and hunt the moose. Protect our mormors and farmors! I will not stand idly by as little old Swedish ladies are killed by moose.

Welcome to Sweden. Beware the murderous moose. Seriously.

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  1. i dont know which was funnier, the seriousness in which you wrote this article, or the fact that you used mormor and farmor because you KNOW that will make us laugh. hahahahaah

    Hairy Nostraswedus?? you are a brilliant man, be it--hairy, but BRILLIANT! :D

  2. Ah, the Swedish moose has always been an arch enemy of ours. Neither the Russians, the Finns or the Danes has been our biggest threat when fighting for Swedish territory.

    Look at this clip for example. A fast moose raid in a small town. Just get in, kill a guy, get out.

    Yes the guy really died.

    And now I'm going to hell... :/

  3. @Lost - well, some things need to be taken seriously. like moose attacks.

    @Anonymous - as am I. I'm pretty sure writing about dead people like ths sealed the deal.

  4. You're a dangerous and demented man, Hairy Nostraswedus =P

    Don't ever change. -S.

  5. The Swedish police force is such a joke. Seriously.

    Is it just me or does it seem like they've been brought more into light recently because of their utter incompetence lately?

  6. @Mamaya: The Swedish police is doing an okay job. I mean there are always things to improve and all institutions have their down periods (or whatever you're supposed to call it). It's just the media that's focusing so much on the bad things they do lately. Lets try to support the police instead of just bashing at them all the time.


  7. I absolutely love this post. It's soooo Hairy, or should I say Nostraswedus. Hide your mormors, morfars, farfars and farmors!

  8. @anonymous – someone has to stand up to the moose. Might as well be me.

    @Mamaya – well its a definite possibility. Things like this just dont really help.

    @anonymous – a good point, but wow. A moose not the husband. That seems like a real bad one...

    @SwedishJenn – the moose are out to get them.

    @anonymous – genius. Sheer genius.

  9. Hairy - was there besides turkey also pot at the party you went to? Because you sound stoned...!

  10. Us Americans have enough to worry about between deer and Warrior Mouse.

  11. @terander - Im just concerned for the safety of old swedish ladies.

    @Pearl - dangers abound...

  12. I actually read about this yesterday in the newspaper here in my little "city" in Wyoming. Swedish moose made the news!

  13. At the end you sounded familiar "i will not stand by..." What's your plot? Increasing the gun owners? Selling the poor Elk's skin to American factories? or maybe this is an initial stage of a civil war?
    you can take it as a joke but two years later the World will see the truth.

  14. @Stacyshine - I can't decide if it makes perfect sense that a story about a murdering moose would show up in small town wyoming (I can just picture my buddy from Douglas sitting around reading about this in th elocal newspaper) or if it is amazing that anything sweish might end up in small town wyoming. either way, Im pumped.

    @anonymous - hunting license. get yours today.

  15. this article was soooooooooooo hilarious...
    except for the part of killing the poor beasts.

  16. I know, I feel bad for the old lady too...

  17. Byway: It is spelled FarmErs...with an "e" at the end!

    Go all you moose go!! Claim back your land!!

  18. you're right, farmers is spelled with an e at the end. farmors however is still spelled with an o. farmor being one of the swedish words for grandmother.