Monday, March 15, 2010

Schlager + Dolph Lundgren = Glorious

This weekend I did something I am not necessarily proud of. It happens to the best of us really. We look back on our actions and can only ask why. I do not regret my actions, but I do question them. I have learned from them. I am a better person because of them.

On Saturday, I went to Melodifestivalen. Not the actual event mind you, but the afternoon dress rehearsal. I told you it wasn’t something I was proud of. Melodifestivalen is like watching a train wreck filled with song, dance, confetti, and He-Man. It’s the most magical train wreck you will ever see. Like Rocky IV. As a musical. On shrooms.

Upon entering Globen, we were greeted by men in pink tasseled cowboy hats. Obviously. We hiked to our seats. I considered investing in an oxygen tank or at least setting up camp and waiting for the morning. But I pushed on. Melodifestivalen waits for no man. At one point I think I saw a Sherpa pass us, but the lack of oxygen may have caused hallucinations. It was right around this point that I discovered Lundgren’s Principle. A close relative to Bernoulli’s Principle, Lundgren’s Principle states the following:

b(π - y + x) = b(a-y + c+x)

Assume π is Glorious (not 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288. Come on now.)

a = Dolph Lundgren
b = Dignity
c = Schlager
x = Sparkles
y = Acting Skills

Schlager + Dolph Lundgren = Glorious.

There might be a couple of holes in the principle. I’m not a master of chemical engineering like Dolph.

After having made it to our seats, the festivities began. Kind of. This was only a dress rehearsal. But we got to see Rocky Balboa butcher Swedish names and look slightly like a half melted GI Joe doll so that was a plus.

The event was a rousing success, if only because Dolph Lundgren, former Master of the Universe, former Russian boxer, current holder of a master’s degree in chemical engineering, was a host. I laughed every time he spoke. I couldn’t help it. He-Man was introducing songs like Man-Boy which ends with a kid getting drenched in water and teenage girls throughout Sweden giggling uncontrollably. Hell, the man even made a wet-dream joke. It was incredible. I’m pretty sure the only thing that could have been better would have been Chuck Norris hosting. In Swedish.

We settled for Ivan though. After having written skeptical reviews of Melodifestivalen and Eurovision such as Eurovision Song Contest 2008. Stockholm Edition and Melodifestivalen in Sweden – 2009 Edition it’s clear that I had gone through a transformation. And Dolph was there to see it. “I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change.” Well said Rocky, well said.

Walking out of Globen, I was a changed man. Or so I thought. That’s when I saw the following sign:

When I jumped over the rail, started laughing, and felt compelled to take a picture I knew that while boxing could thaw the Cold War and Dolph Lundgren could melt my icy demeanor towards schlager, nothing could take my love of inappropriately worded signs.

Welcome to Sweden. And my transformation.

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  1. LOL. 'I think I saw a Sherpa pass us.' I don't know where to begin...

    Pink tasseled cowboy hats +
    Dolph Lundgren +
    that awesome sign??

    All rolled into one evening? I've had more fun than I can handle just reading about this glorious night. Plus, I had no idea Dolph had a master's degree in chemical engineering. ( ';' )

    Wish I had been there, for real. *le sigh*


  2. it was almost overwhelming. glorious and overwhelming.

  3. I skipped the whole thing this year and was so proud of myself - the overheard sounds of some of those songs causing a horrible shooting pain to run through my head.

    But I forgot about Dolph. Of course. Dolph was genius. Just the tabloid covers were genius. And now I missed him, and you got to see him in person.


  4. I don't understand any of this, other than that it was glorious. Of course. Like it is every year. Hrmpf.

    (And Manboy was a treat for _everyone_ not just teenage girls, thank you very much).

  5. Best evening ever.

    Plus, that sign is just pure win. Pure, pure win.

  6. Now you just need to start talking with a lisp and quote Judy Garland extensively to complete the transformation. (0_o)

  7. Dolph Lundgren?
    DOLPH LUNDGREN????!!!!!

    I had such a HUGE crush on him when I was in my early teens (embarassing I know but at least my taste has improved since then).

    How did you ever manage to stay in your seat and not jump on the stage:P You lucky Swedish American you.



    btw, I am so over him...


    ps. am I right to assume that Melodifestivalen is as tacky as Eurovision? Mind you I absolutely love to hate (and watch) Eurovision every year! It's become a tradition over the years.

  8. and where are the pics of those men in the pink cowboy hats?


  9. ^ Lily, Hairy didn't want to post a photo of the men in the pink cowboy hats because he wants to preserve his anonymity =P

    But I took one of him on the sly when he wasn't looking:

    | ̄ ̄|
    ( ´_⊃`)

    -S ;P

  10. @Lily

    Melodifestivalen is how Sweden selects its contribution to Eurovision. You could almost say it's part of the Eurovision contest.

  11. wait wait wait!!!
    Cock pit?
    LONG bar??
    Seaman's Shot?!?!?!

    LMAOOOO that was indeed Glorious! XD

  12. I thought this "Hotet" thing with Dolph was awesome. Anything with pop-culture references and I'm there.

    Rikard Wolff (Gay actor famous for doing the swedish version of Scar in the Lion King)

  13. @anonymous: LOL
    I knew there had to be a reason for him not posting those pictures. So, that's what he looks like:P

    @Mazui: Thanks! I actually loved Sweden's entry of last year and I'm probably one of the very few people who didn't like the Norwegian song. So, what about this year? Another nice catchy pop tune?


  14. >> Another nice catchy pop tune?

    I agree that Melodifestivalen is as tacky as Eurovision. So I don't watch either of them. :)

    The song is probably a pop tune. Whether it is catchy, I don't know. I was hoping Finland's contribution(win?) from a few years ago would change whole competition, but it seems they are back to cheesy love songs.

  15. That must have been absurdly awkward yet FUN. I wish I could have come. Hey how tall is Lundrgen? I heard he was like 6'4, 6'5. Dude looked like a GIANT in Red Skorpion and Universal Soldier.

    BTW. I'm booking my flight to Stockholm tomorrow for July3 so I greatly anticipate being back in Sverige :)

    continue with your great blog man.

  16. According to wikipedia he's 195 centimeters tall.

  17. That is quite the ingenious formula couldn't help but appreciate that one. In other news that I think you will rejoice over unless you already have

  18. Love, love, love your blogs! Just discovered you today! You are topics are what I too have discovered as an American living in Sweden! Some funny and interesting stuff!

  19. @terander – the gloriousness is really all you need to understand.

    @Victoria – I laugh every time I look at it.

    @anonymous – whatth to thay I don’t already?

    @anonymous (lily) – THE Dolph Lundgren. And while melodifestivalen is tacky, Eurovision is even tackier. If Sweden ever wins and hosts Eurovision, I have made a pledge to be there.

    @anonymous (lily) – some things shouldn’t be put on the internet for all the world to see.

    @anonymous – you caught me.

    @Mazui – its like the playoffs leading up to the championship.

    @Lost – yup. Just revel in the glory that is.

    @N – it was all awesome. Every time he opened his mouth awesomeness just spewed forth.

    @anonymous – Im quite good looking aren’t I?

    @Mazui – there were quite a few cheesy love songs going round.

    @Kevin – Hes a large man, which I think is what made it even more awkward and fun.

    @anonymous – translated that is damn near 6’ 5”

    @Steven – Im hoping to pull in some sort of Nobel prize for it. And I did see the news, and am quite excited about it all.

    @anonymous – thanks, glad to hear you’ve been enjoying it!

  20. YOu are FUCKING hilarious! hahaha

    If I can change, you can change then everybody can change!


  21. He is not human, he is a piece of iron.