This weekend I did something I am not necessarily proud of. It happens to the best of us really. We look back on our actions and can only ask why. I do not regret my actions, but I do question them. I have learned from them. I am a better person because of them.
On Saturday, I went to Melodifestivalen. Not the actual event mind you, but the afternoon dress rehearsal. I told you it wasn’t something I was proud of. Melodifestivalen is like watching a train wreck filled with song, dance, confetti, and He-Man. It’s the most magical train wreck you will ever see. Like Rocky IV. As a musical. On shrooms.
Upon entering Globen, we were greeted by men in pink tasseled cowboy hats. Obviously. We hiked to our seats. I considered investing in an oxygen tank or at least setting up camp and waiting for the morning. But I pushed on. Melodifestivalen waits for no man. At one point I think I saw a Sherpa pass us, but the lack of oxygen may have caused hallucinations. It was right around this point that I discovered Lundgren’s Principle. A close relative to Bernoulli’s Principle, Lundgren’s Principle states the following:
b(π - y + x) = b(a-y + c+x)
Assume π is Glorious (not 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288. Come on now.)
a = Dolph Lundgren
b = Dignity
c = Schlager
x = Sparkles
y = Acting Skills
Schlager + Dolph Lundgren = Glorious.
There might be a couple of holes in the principle. I’m not a master of chemical engineering like Dolph.
After having made it to our seats, the festivities began. Kind of. This was only a dress rehearsal. But we got to see Rocky Balboa butcher Swedish names and look slightly like a half melted GI Joe doll so that was a plus.
The event was a rousing success, if only because Dolph Lundgren, former Master of the Universe, former Russian boxer, current holder of a master’s degree in chemical engineering, was a host. I laughed every time he spoke. I couldn’t help it. He-Man was introducing songs like Man-Boy which ends with a kid getting drenched in water and teenage girls throughout Sweden giggling uncontrollably. Hell, the man even made a wet-dream joke. It was incredible. I’m pretty sure the only thing that could have been better would have been Chuck Norris hosting. In Swedish.
We settled for Ivan though. After having written skeptical reviews of Melodifestivalen and Eurovision such as Eurovision Song Contest 2008. Stockholm Edition and Melodifestivalen in Sweden – 2009 Edition it’s clear that I had gone through a transformation. And Dolph was there to see it. “I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change.” Well said Rocky, well said.
Walking out of Globen, I was a changed man. Or so I thought. That’s when I saw the following sign:
When I jumped over the rail, started laughing, and felt compelled to take a picture I knew that while boxing could thaw the Cold War and Dolph Lundgren could melt my icy demeanor towards schlager, nothing could take my love of inappropriately worded signs.
Welcome to Sweden. And my transformation.
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