As anyone who knows me can tell you, I don’t do fashion. At all. Of course that doesn’t stop me from noticing the ridiculous fashion trends that hit Stockholm. I’ve written about going metro in Stockholm, Viking fashion, men in purple shorts, and men in tights. It’s an exhaustive list of fashion writing that displays my vast knowledge of the subject.
There is of course the classic uniform that I have written about before and plenty of you have commented about. It’s the long striped shirt, the black tights, maybe a pair of Converse sneakers. Pretty standard really. Every once and a while a variation will pop up that catches my attention.
Like latex. Because lately, I’ve been wandering through town only to stumble upon gaggles of girls wearing the uniform with latex tights instead. It’s like Batman and Catwoman tried to mate, only to find out that certain species, like cats and bats, should not have sex. Because when it comes to latex, it seems that it is never the girls you want to see in painted on clothes walking around town.
Let me preface this all by saying, I am not what can be called an attractive man. I am big and bulky and covered in hair. As a child I had enough acne to make a leper feel good about himself. That’s why seeing a pimple on my face a few days ago was not a huge surprise. What was a surprise was this morning when I realized that pimple was in fact an ingrown beard hair. Like I said, not attractive. I probably shouldn’t make fun of unattractive people. That being said, I don’t wear latex. And neither should they.
No one wants to see your thigh dimples. No one wants to see what looks to be a ham hock shoved down the back of your pants. And no one wants to see the camel toe. Especially when those three things are accentuated by black shiny plastic material. Of course, the way the uniform is worn does not help matters.
When wearing the uniform, many girls decide that pants are unnecessary if the shirt is long enough to cover their vagina. This is their first mistake (see thigh dimples above). Because they are wearing latex. Their second mistake is forgetting that their ass is hanging out from the back. And is very visible in all of its less than flattering glory (see ham hock above). Because they are wearing latex.
Walking behind the latex uniform can be strangely hypnotizing. Like watching footage of the BP oil spill. Black waves lapping back and forth with no end in sight. It’s a frightening environmental threat. The latex pants, not the BP oil spill.
It could be that latex is unforgiving, and that it doesn’t matter who is wearing the latex. Or it could just be that the latex appeals to a certain group of people. Who happen to be the wrong group of people. Regardless, it’s time to leave the latex at home.
Welcome to Sweden. And latex uniforms.
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