Saturday, May 29, 2010

Latex and Swedish Fashion

As anyone who knows me can tell you, I don’t do fashion. At all. Of course that doesn’t stop me from noticing the ridiculous fashion trends that hit Stockholm. I’ve written about going metro in Stockholm, Viking fashion, men in purple shorts, and men in tights. It’s an exhaustive list of fashion writing that displays my vast knowledge of the subject.

There is of course the classic uniform that I have written about before and plenty of you have commented about. It’s the long striped shirt, the black tights, maybe a pair of Converse sneakers. Pretty standard really. Every once and a while a variation will pop up that catches my attention.

Like latex. Because lately, I’ve been wandering through town only to stumble upon gaggles of girls wearing the uniform with latex tights instead. It’s like Batman and Catwoman tried to mate, only to find out that certain species, like cats and bats, should not have sex. Because when it comes to latex, it seems that it is never the girls you want to see in painted on clothes walking around town.

Let me preface this all by saying, I am not what can be called an attractive man. I am big and bulky and covered in hair. As a child I had enough acne to make a leper feel good about himself. That’s why seeing a pimple on my face a few days ago was not a huge surprise. What was a surprise was this morning when I realized that pimple was in fact an ingrown beard hair. Like I said, not attractive. I probably shouldn’t make fun of unattractive people. That being said, I don’t wear latex. And neither should they.

No one wants to see your thigh dimples. No one wants to see what looks to be a ham hock shoved down the back of your pants. And no one wants to see the camel toe. Especially when those three things are accentuated by black shiny plastic material. Of course, the way the uniform is worn does not help matters.

When wearing the uniform, many girls decide that pants are unnecessary if the shirt is long enough to cover their vagina. This is their first mistake (see thigh dimples above). Because they are wearing latex. Their second mistake is forgetting that their ass is hanging out from the back. And is very visible in all of its less than flattering glory (see ham hock above). Because they are wearing latex.

Walking behind the latex uniform can be strangely hypnotizing. Like watching footage of the BP oil spill. Black waves lapping back and forth with no end in sight. It’s a frightening environmental threat. The latex pants, not the BP oil spill.

It could be that latex is unforgiving, and that it doesn’t matter who is wearing the latex. Or it could just be that the latex appeals to a certain group of people. Who happen to be the wrong group of people. Regardless, it’s time to leave the latex at home.

Welcome to Sweden. And latex uniforms.

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21 comments:

  1. I am actually very offended by your unfashionable attitude towards latex ;)

    It is delightful - if you actually dress up as Catwoman for Halloween as I did last year. (too bad you can't post photos here or I would attach it) Probably my best costume ever. And I am using the word costume here to actually mean costume, as in something you would not wear unless you were going to a themed party!

    You have to wonder if these people actually look in the mirror before they leave the house. If that fails, who are their friends that don't have the courtesy to say "that is not working for you"? In a nice way of course.

    I love fashion but I could care less if other people are stylish or not. What I DO care about is having to look at people wearing the wrong clothes for their body type (see I found a nice way to say "I can see your thigh dimples in those leggings"). Or undergarments. If I want to see what is under your clothes, you will be the first one to know about it. Or, men's packages in their too-tight jeans. Even if they are really hot. Men should not wear jeans that tight. Ever. Again, I will let you know if I want to see it. Otherwise, COVER YOURSELF UP.

    Sorry for rambling. I obviously have strong feelings about this subject.

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  2. Life can be unfair. Specially if you are an innocent bystander of what is the tragic mistake of not looking at yourself in front of the mirror before leaving home. I think if these people did, the world would be a better place.

    p.s. they should ban latex from the industry except maybe to produce condoms.

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  3. Yes, it's strange how those who choose to wear the most revealing clothing are so often the last ones who ought to do so (for aesthetics' sake).

    Fashion sense aside, latex doesn't seem like it would be very comfortable. . . Especially in these warmer months. (shudder)

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  4. I kind of feel bad for those dimple-legged, ham-butted girls. But, really...they have to own some of it. Going out in public like that and all. Besides, your post was funny. They'll just have to bow to the higher cause of good humor. Hopefully they'll cover their bottoms when they do so.

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  5. I have yet to see the latex ones... Although I see the black see through tights and white T-shirt being worn by young girls all the time here in Stockholm....

    I have a theory about this...

    OK... I come from Seattle... Men are polite there...
    But they will still do the Cat Calling.... and hey Baby's... men look at women all the time in the US.... I noticed this in Paris as well... it is not offensive.... it is kinda nice if done right... : )

    Here in Sweden though... Men just don't look or say anything.... I think women many times are just looking for some attention from the males here....

    Of course that COSTUME is just horrid.... and I agree it should be left at home....
    along with the men in TIGHT ass pants that wear them off their asses....

    Often I think WOW... he is HOT... until I see his freaking underwear....
    DUDE!!!!! If you are OVER 30 I should not see your underwear clad ass in public..... Your jeans need to cover your drawers.... : )
    (OK... even under 30 should not sport this insane
    manner of wearing tight jeans.... )

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  6. Did you just actually state that men in Sweden doesn't care to look at beautiful women in revealing clothes?

    Come on, keep on calling us sissy's, metro-sexual, tight pants wearing devils. We don't care. But for gods sake, having long fika breaks in the sun while staring at women has been the favourite past time here amongst men since the Vasa sank. (-:

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  7. hahahahhhhhh! The dreaded camel toe, my God that really is the worst isn't it? You are so funny :) Yes the ladies are wearing the latex here in Vancouver too and since most of them are asians and very petite, I can honestly say it doesn't look good on anyone, no matter the size.

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  8. @ Urban Achiever.... I am sorry, I did not mean to make it seem as if ALL Swedish men are like this....
    : )

    However, I hear this from MANY very hot women...

    and ok... many men may even stair... but NOT in a manner in which that woman knows it...

    Do you just look??? Or do you walk by and say... DAMN.. YOur HOT!!!!!

    I think many women just want to feel like they are noticed and like they look sexy... : )

    and anyway.... it could just be where I live.... : )

    and tight pants OK.... Tight pants worn UNDER your ass or hanging half way down your ass while wearing Tighty whity's NOT so sexy... : )

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  9. HairySwede, I have been lurking on your blog for a while now, having had the impending move to Sweden drawing ever closer (on an 18 month contract in Stockholm from next week).

    Just a quick one to say your blog is immensely witty and informative and I will be following closely in the coming months. I've started up my own blog to document my attempts at fitting in and hopefully I can be half as amusing and insightful.

    Keep it real. And welcome to Calamity :)

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  10. Pants are no longer fashionable Hairy, tights/stockings as pants is what is fashionable which is unfortunate as well to be blunt and I guess mean only those with slim figures can really pull them off. And yes the camel toe, wearing shirts that cover both your bum and vagina is out of fashion because we all need to show off our 'assets'.

    But I have yet to see latex tights, pleather/leather ones yes but not latex.

    But yes dressing in the latest fashion and being trendy is more important that actually dressing for one's shape.

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  11. How can ANYONE wear latex other than as a Halloween costume? Aside from the strange, trash-baggy texture, it just doesn't look comfortable. At all. On the other hand, I also laugh at the silly women who attempt to trundle around busy Manhattan streets in 4-inch strappy sandals. Not only do they look uncomfortable (their feet are clearly in pain), but every day at least one girl trips or falls walking around. So much for looking chic.

    Anyway, I enjoyed your fashion post a lot. In an endearing way, it highlights the continuing differences between us culturally, which I find very cool :) Vive la différence!

    -S.

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  12. The material is not latex. Its "lack". They're called lackleggings. I don't know the correct term in English. You have to understand that Swedish fashion is almost never original in any sense. When I grew up everybody focused on what they were wearing in London. Now its ALL New York. Like the strappy sandals anon. mentioned above, everybody has them.

    It becomes a travesty due to the fact that literally everybody follows a single avant-garde trend religiously. I'm guessing that in N.Y people in general will look at the different trends and try to create their own style.

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  13. @the urban achiever: Then you have obviously never been to either NY or Stockholm (don't know about fashion outside of Stockholm). I've been to both and NY and Swedish fashion is nothing alike. For instance, when I was in NY the trend with leggings had just started there (and was probably started by H&M) while the trend had been going on here in Stockholm for like a year. Plus the sizes in the clothes there is more, what is called "relaxed" or "casual" in stores over there (aka oversized), but here it's a lot more slim-fitting. Plus people in NY are in general more often dressed in suits for men and heels for women, when we here usually dressed a lot more casual. I can agree on the London part though, they have had a lot more influence in Swedish fashion.

    And tbh I think Swedish fashion is kinda original (even though everyone IN Sweden kinda look the same, but no where else really. Or atleast not when the trend starts). But as I said, outside of Stockholm and Göteborg I got no idea, then I guess H&M Devided/LOGG is king....

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  14. Hairy,
    If the girl is extra large it is called a "moose knuckle" instead of camel toe...FYI. :)

    Great fashion post! I love reading about what is fashionable in other places.

    @ anonymous- the leggings trend has been going on in the US for at least a year...but I'd say it has really caught on in the last 6 to 8months. No latex here(in the southern states)though. But since its so hot here now you don't see them as much. The trend here is any and all kinds of summer dresses and the dressy shorts that you can wear with strappy shoes. Oh and how could I forget...the summer scarf and flip flops!!!

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  15. OMG! My mom and I were discussing this just yesterday. Yet the latex leggings are not as bad as the ho's they wear with just a shirt!
    I am also a Swedish-American. I was born in Sweden, but raised in LA. I am slso living here for the time being but I can't say that I love it!

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  16. I did see a girl wearing latex once on weekend around 2 AM in subway station. what made her memorable were the handcuffs and silver chains she had hanging on her belt and it was indeed sort of weirdly hypnotizing.
    btw a detailed description there i personally couldn't do that. Good job, Good job :)

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  17. If attractive women wear them, I don't mind. I'll sneak a peek (although I'll try not to be caught doing so, because every time I am [caught] I get an angry glare back. And I would consider myself a relatively attractive guy.)

    I don't understand how they can wear latex in this heat though.

    Btw, leggings have been popular among teenage girls in Stockholm for at least 2 years.

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  18. Oy, you say you are big and bulky and covered in hair...hmmmm... are you a troll?
    I'm sorry, I couldn't help but think of you when I saw this:
    http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=126779123
    No, no, no, no, this is not intended as a gross joke, it is just a joke! I actually thought about buying the book, so I have something to read until you publish yours!

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  19. @Miss – you did say things in a much kinder way than me. Well played. And I couldn’t agree more. Some things are meant to stay as a costume, and some things are meant to never be worn. At all.

    @TNT – I was a civilian casualty in the war that is fashion. Or something like that.

    @Michael – yeah, Im sweaty enough as it is let alone in latex during the summer.

    @E – you do have a point, there is something to be said for just going for it.

    @Just a Gurl – so its some sort of mating ritual? Evolution in design form?

    @the urban – maybe that is why the vasa sank.

    @Juni – it doesn’t get much worse… unless it is moose knuckle.

    @Just a Gurl – too tight pants though? Not ok.

    @MikeInSweden – very cool, good luck Mike, hope all is going well!

    @That Girl – honestly, some things just aren’t meant for anyone to pull off. Unless they are being pulled off and thrown away. See what I did there?

    @anonymous – I saw a girl hiking on the edge of a cliff in Ireland in ridiculous heels. I was concerned for her safety.

    @the urban – oh good work on getting me the term. Im horribly lazy when it comes to this fashion thing.

    @anonymous – I am of absolutely no use in this discussion.

    @Mama – I also like to use it to refer to the male version of camel toe. Think about it.

    @anonymous – yeah that long shirt thing still blows my mind. Hope the transition is going well for you.

    @Tod – aahh… that does sound memorable…

    @anonymous – sunglasses my friend, sunglasses.

    @asazevedo – I prefer to think of myself as an overgrown hamster. Kind of cute and fuzzy.

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  20. I know it's been over a month since the last comment on this post, but I felt I just HAD to say something.

    Leggings have been big for years, first, the semi-see through versions that end somewhere on the calf and come in various colours. (Although white and black seem to be the most popular.)

    Then came the 'jeggings'. They are the leggings or tights with jeans print on them. And yes, it's just as bad as it sounds.

    Around the same time the 'wet look leggings' arrived, I can only assume that those are what you're referring to as latex tights.

    This was all fine, when worn with the right clothes (i.e. basically anything that covers your behind and half your thighs) it doesn't look too bad. What isn't fine is when girls everywhere become too comfortable with this new trend and decide that it's perfectly fine to wear leggings (all sorts) INSTEAD OF TROUSERS. It is NOT OK. (Not to mention the horror when some girls decide that pantyhose is basically the same thing as leggings, no matter how see-through they are, the colour panties you're wearing or the length of your top.)

    I can see that some girls find it comfortable (stretchy waist, for example), sexy (erm... I don't know) or just 'have to' have them because it's trendy. But seriously... it just doesn't work.

    Rant over, I'm happy to say that I haven't seen nearly as many cases of this legging-mania in Sweden as I have in the UK.

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  21. that was glorious. and a well written rant that was much appreciated.

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