As a general rule I struggle. Sometimes more than others and the other night was one of those evenings. Because I stabbed myself with a toothpick. In the nape of my neck. In the middle of the night. In my sleep.
I chew toothpicks on a regular basis. I even carry them in my wallet. Oral hygiene is very important to me, especially because I hate flossing. Toothpicks do damn fine work in keeping my pearly whites free from debris. And my gums healthy. Obviously.
I do a lot of things with toothpicks in my mouth. Eat. Drink. Hell, I have even kissed the occasional girl with a toothpick in my mouth. All that action (the toothpick action, not the kissing) makes for some soggy toothpicks. Seeing as how I love the environment, I don’t want trees being felled just so I can chew on things. So I reuse my toothpicks. To do this though, after having thoroughly chewed and soaked through a toothpick, I tend to put it behind my ear. Where it stays until it has dried out and is ready to be chewed on again. Some people may think that disgusting. But those people hate the environment and club baby seals in their spare time.
Sometimes I forget to remove said toothpick from behind my ear. But when getting ready for bed, taking my shirt off tends to rip the toothpick from my ear and all problems are solved. Notice the use of the word tend. Tends to. Not always. Like the other night.
I woke up in the middle of the night with a toothpick sticking out of the back of my neck. I had to reach around and physically pull it out of my neck. I gently placed the toothpick on my bedside table (I might want to reuse it you know) and as I turned over to go back to sleep, I knocked the toothpick from the table. I remember all of this.
In the morning, I still remembered all of this. But it was hazy. I usually don’t remember my dreams unless I have a night terror and despite the horror of having a toothpick sticking out of your neck, this was no night terror. So I was confused. Until I looked beside my bedside table. There was the toothpick. Somewhat bent and clearly guilty.
I immediately picked it up and chewed the hell out of it to prove a point. That’s not true. That would be like autocannibalism. Gross. Instead, I threw the toothpick away and started in on a new one. The toothpicks will not scare me. They will not deter me. I will win.
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