Friday, June 04, 2010

Toothpicks and Self-Mutilation

As a general rule I struggle. Sometimes more than others and the other night was one of those evenings. Because I stabbed myself with a toothpick. In the nape of my neck. In the middle of the night. In my sleep.

I chew toothpicks on a regular basis. I even carry them in my wallet. Oral hygiene is very important to me, especially because I hate flossing. Toothpicks do damn fine work in keeping my pearly whites free from debris. And my gums healthy. Obviously.

I do a lot of things with toothpicks in my mouth. Eat. Drink. Hell, I have even kissed the occasional girl with a toothpick in my mouth. All that action (the toothpick action, not the kissing) makes for some soggy toothpicks. Seeing as how I love the environment, I don’t want trees being felled just so I can chew on things. So I reuse my toothpicks. To do this though, after having thoroughly chewed and soaked through a toothpick, I tend to put it behind my ear. Where it stays until it has dried out and is ready to be chewed on again. Some people may think that disgusting. But those people hate the environment and club baby seals in their spare time.

Sometimes I forget to remove said toothpick from behind my ear. But when getting ready for bed, taking my shirt off tends to rip the toothpick from my ear and all problems are solved. Notice the use of the word tend. Tends to. Not always. Like the other night.

I woke up in the middle of the night with a toothpick sticking out of the back of my neck. I had to reach around and physically pull it out of my neck. I gently placed the toothpick on my bedside table (I might want to reuse it you know) and as I turned over to go back to sleep, I knocked the toothpick from the table. I remember all of this.

In the morning, I still remembered all of this. But it was hazy. I usually don’t remember my dreams unless I have a night terror and despite the horror of having a toothpick sticking out of your neck, this was no night terror. So I was confused. Until I looked beside my bedside table. There was the toothpick. Somewhat bent and clearly guilty.

I immediately picked it up and chewed the hell out of it to prove a point. That’s not true. That would be like autocannibalism. Gross. Instead, I threw the toothpick away and started in on a new one. The toothpicks will not scare me. They will not deter me. I will win.

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  1. You are hilarious I dont feel like Im reading, I just have a voice in my head and to me, my friend, makes you an awesome writer! Keep on truckin and keep 'em comin!

  2. hahahah ooooooh my!!! I was already making the other half of the story when you wake up only to see a toothpick covered in blood on your bed side table and a an enormous hole (I know; it wouldn't make's my vivid imagination) in the back of your neck!! terrifying!!
    I'm glad you are in one piece though!:)

  3. That made my day. Thank you for that. xD

  4. Du är inte klok...

  5. Dear God, that's gross :P And the part that I find gross is not the bloody toothpick on your nape... And, hey, why not use plastic toothpics?

  6. This toothpick thing of yours is a BAD IDEA. God doesn't care whether you reuse your toothpicks. No one cares. Using a fresh pick every time is OK. Go forth, my son, and reuse toothpicks no more.

  7. Have you ever seen that House episode in which this gypsy teenager who chews a toothpick at all times ends up swallowing it during sex and it perfurates his intestine? All in all I'd say your case was, thankfully, not as serious as his, but, sadly, not as fun either (you were asleep when the toothpick pricked you, not having sex, right?).

  8. Hahahaha you are hilarious. You sure you weren't asian in another life?

    OMFG you kissed a girl with a toothpick? Now - you've got skills! Just wondering how much shelf life it had whilst kissing them! lol


  9. And you really do wonder why you are still single, don't you? Take care of yourself, some of us are addicted to your stories, which, by the way, deserve to be published! All the best to you, Chris

  10. I'm hoping this isn't true :)

  11. What is your opinion about the "Ship to Gaza"-news?

    Your blog is hilarious~!

  12. Ewww and awesome all at the same time!

  13. this must be a hairy swede thing....both my hairy swedish grandfather and father constantly chewed toothpicks! hilarious. thanks for the laughs

  14. @Erin – thanks, honestly though, I hope I never have to write again about having stabbed myself in my sleep.

    @TNT – Im also very glad that I didn’t end up with a giant hole in the back of my neck.

    @Victoria – always happy to help.

    @anonymous – I know…

    @asazevedo – yes, yes it is. And the plastic ones gross me out for some reason. Plus I like being able to chew the hell out of them and see that I have done some damage. I cant do that with plastic toothpicks.

    @robert61 – youre probably right… but I haven’t listened.

    @asazevedo – I was asleep. Unfortunately.

    @anonymous – do you mean the shelf life of the relationship with the girl, or the shelf life of the toothpick. To be honest, both were short. Strangely.

    @anonymous – well, I don’t really wonder. Im just hoping eventually someone will accept being kissed while I have a toothpick in my mouth.

    @Alf – yup. I know.

    @Juni – I hate to disappoint. But this is very true.

    @anonymous – oh wow, very slow on this. Plenty of blame to go around. Some bearing more than others.

    And thanks.

    @mama – thanks. I think.

    @anonymous – clearly your grandfather and father have excellent taste in toothcare.

  15. As an amateur toothpick aficionado (not sure if there are professional ranks) I am sad to report my favourite toothpick has been discontinued. It was distributed by Boots in England, a dental stick of sturdy girth made from Nordic birch. I am in Canada, and despite the plentifulness and hearty nature of our trees, we just can't seem to produce a decent toothpick. What do you use? I figured I would ask the master. Let me know at m e m a c h i n e @ h o t m a i l at your leisure. Most appreciated.

  16. I am below amateur. I use whatever I can find...