I’ve been going to the gym for a few months now. While I won’t be taking advantage of the parenting benefits offered when working in Sweden, I do take advantage of the gym card I get for being a full time employee. It allows me to tone my obviously chiseled physique. Or something like that.
The gym is always an interesting place to be. I worked as a janitor at a gym back in high school. I was a Master of the Custodial Arts for three years. I know gyms. I know how nasty the showers are and how well they are cleaned. This is why I do not shower in the locker room. I go home to do that.
I also know that old men like to be naked. And Swedish old men are no exception. The difference is that since I no longer work at a gym I can leave the locker room whenever I want. As a Master of the Custodial Arts in high school though, I found myself cleaning locker rooms a lot. While old men were in various stages of undress. And when I say various stages I mean the stage where they are sitting bare ass on a bench with only a shirt on. After which they put socks on. Followed by sauntering over to the counter and mirrored area in order to throw their leg up on the counter to lotion up. No one likes scaly legs. With their moisturization needs taken care of, pants are finally put on. I think I’ve written about this before. Clearly, it has scarred me for life.
But I digress. Enough about old naked Swedish men.
I’d rather discuss inappropriately dressed Swedish people. I appreciate people working out. Making an effort. Losing weight. Getting in shape. Toning. Whatever the hell you want to call it. Well done.
However, I do not appreciate tights. We’re indoors. It’s not cold. It’s not raining. It’s not windy. You’re sure as hell not trying to shave a tenth of a second off of your 100 meter time. The bulging gut would suggest you won’t be challenging Usain Bolt anytime soon. There is no reason for the tights.
I know Nike has some of the best marketing campaigns the world has ever seen. Just do it. I know. But just because world class athletes who have spent the majority of their life training look good in tights, doesn’t mean you will. In fact, you don’t. Hell, despite my aforementioned chiseled physique, I don’t. I know this for a fact. I once dressed up as Mr. Incredible for Halloween and wore red tights. It is not an attractive look.
If anything you are making me less likely to return to the gym. Unless this is some sort of reverse psychological marketing campaign. Maybe SATS is paying you to wear tights to make me want to work out so I don’t have a gut. Whatever it is though, they aren’t paying you enough. Put on a pair of shorts. Camel toe. Moose knuckle. I don’t want to see it.
Welcome to Sweden. And tights.
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