Friday, June 03, 2016

Friday Night Fun. With Cats.

It's not even a particularly good picture. But that doesn't matter.
The banal can be hellish.
This is my Hell. It doesn’t look like much. It’s just a sack. From PetSmart. But what’s inside was the culmination of over an hour of frantic work.

My girlfriend and I made some burritos tonight. They were fine. That’s not really important except for the fact that we made them at my place. But in the summer, it’s hard to get the temperature in my place below 80. So we headed to her apartment for the night. In the front door. Up the stairs. In through the apartment door. Drop my stuff. Head to the kitchen. And stop. On a dime. Something is not right. There’s a smell of dead fish, smushed poop, and shame.

Immediately, we’re searching. We need to stop this smell. Then, suddenly, a cat swishes by. Her tail high in the air and what looks to be a breakfast sausage hanging from her matted butthair (One word. It’s a technical term.). And my chin drops to my chest.

Things have gotten better since I last wrote about these cats. They still scream the screams of a thousand spawns of Satan and they still dig their demon claws into my toes, but it isn’t as frequent. I’ve come to an agreement with Cat. I walk into the apartment, she sees me, runs to the bedroom grunting until I come in to brush her. She flops to the ground like a medieval holy woman in the throes of ecstasy and rolls around as I brush off enough hair to knit a third cat. Finally, we part ways and go about our days. Other Cat pretends to be my friend, snuggles up against my chest staring at me with what she seems to think are cute kitty eyes. Then she moves closer. Slowly. As if she’s fooling me. And tries to lick my beard. She does not. So things are getting better. Of course better does not mean good. Better never means good.

And today was not a good day. Or even a better day. Today was a day that ended with me questioning all of my life choices and how those choices brought me to this moment. Because as I follow the cat with the breakfast sausage (spoiler alert: it was poop) hanging from her butthair, I realize that she is jumping onto the bed. And as I yell “no,” the tortured no of a person who knows there is nothing that can be done, but needs to vocalize that helplessness, the cat begins scooting her hindquarters across the bed. The breakfast sausage that drags beneath her smears across what was once a (relatively) clean blanket. And my chin drops to my chest. Again.

My girlfriend has identified poop smears across the entire kitchen floor, into the hall, and onto the rug in the bedroom. There are several spots. The smell is stuck in my nosehairs. I corner a very agitated cat as my girlfriend approaches with scissors in hand. The smell is terrible as she deftly cuts away a turd the likes of which I did not know a cat could produce. Other Cat decides that this is the perfect (not purrfect, get out of here with that nonsense) time to lick my beard. And my chins drops to my chest. Yet again.

Here’s the thing: scatological humor gets me every time. I’m 32. I have an admittedly juvenile inclination towards poop jokes. But as I get onto my hands and knees to scrub cat poop off the floor, I am not laughing. As we fill a plastic sack from PetSmart with butthair, cat poop, and soiled paper towels, I am not laughing. As my girlfriend trudges to the basement with an unclean blanket with plans to launder it, I am not laughing. When she comes back up to tell me that the washing machine is broken, that she needs my help, I am not laughing. And when I realize that the laundry machine is broken broken, that I can barely change the oil in my car, let alone fix a laundry machine, I am not laughing. I stay in the basement for a while. At least it doesn’t stink down here.

Finally, the adult in me walks back up the three flights of stairs. Opens the door only to be blasted by a smell that I have finally grown accustomed to. I spray the entire kitchen floor with Windex. It’s a strong, chemical smell that masks the scent. My girlfriend lights a candle. I vacuum, scrub the rugs, wash the floors, and curse the cats. I know it’s not the cat’s fault. Every rational part of me knows that. But the fact remains that I am spending my Friday night cleaning cat poop. Or was. Now I’m eating a mint ice cream sandwich, sitting next to an open window, hoping the memory and smells will fade.

But even as I write this, Other Cat is taking laps around my lap. Back and forth. She can’t decide if she’d rather lick my beard or shove her backside in my face. I keep shooing her away. She keeps coming back. She just keeps coming back. Cat lovers will tell you it’s a sign of affection. It’s cute. Just like when they bring you dead animals. Affection. Cute. Cat lovers will lie to you and tell you cats are clean and proper and easy to cohabitate with. They will try to justify the behavior of these sociopaths. You might even fall for it. Then suddenly you’ll realize that you’re spending your Friday night cleaning cat poop off every surface you can possibly imagine.

Welcome to Swedish America. And a blog that is slowly, oh, so slowly, turning into a space for me to vent about cats.

5 comments:

  1. Oh my....!
    I was just asked if I could be a cat sitter for 1,5 weeks this summer. Now I think I should probably just say no. Just in case.

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  2. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! Oh, I know EXACTLY how you're feeling. HAHAHA!! Sorry, just had to let that out.
    /Owner, a.k.a. slave, of two cats

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  3. "She flops to the ground like a medieval holy woman in the throes of ecstasy and rolls around as I brush off enough hair to knit a third cat."
    xDXD Great
    I love cats, I´m sort of one myself. But it´s no game sometimes:)

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  4. PRENDE CAZZI IN CULO DI 33 CM: COSTANZA BARRAI, NATA A MILANO IL 1.1.1999, BORN IN MILAN ON 1.1.1999! EX INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL MILAN. STA FACENDO FILM PORNO A RAFFICA! PRENDENDO NELL'ANO FALLI "ESOTICI" LUNGHI PIU' DI MEZZO METRO! D'ALTRONDE.... VENNE SODOMIZZATA DA SEMPRE DAL PADRE.. PEDOFILO PAOLO BARRAI NATO A MILANO IL 28.6.1965. IL VERO BASTARDO COLPEVOLE CHE DOVREBBE MARCIRE IN GALERA FOR EVER AND EVER, SU CUI TROVATE, " NON POCHISSIMO", QUI
    https://es-la.facebook.com/public/Truffati-Da-Paolo-Barrai

    1
    SI... E´ SBORRATA SEMPRE TUTTA DENTRO AL CULO: COSTANZA BARRAI! NATA A MILANO IL 1.1.1999, BORN IN MILAN ON 1.1.1999! EX INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL MILAN.
    DICIOTTENNE E FA FILM PORNO A GO GO!
    http://scontent.cdninstagram.com/t51.2885-15/s480x480/e35/11809524_1636202389990675_1672225665_n.jpg?ig_cache_key=MTA0ODUxNzE4MDA4MDc0NTI2Mg%3D%3D.2
    https://i1.sndcdn.com/avatars-000123698582-6zu6yw-t500x500.jpg
    https://it.linkedin.com/in/costanza-barrai-3a5b97a7
    PRENDENDO PROFONDAMENTE NEL CULO CAZZI "ESOTICI" PURE DI 30-32 CM ( E LE PIACE SEMPRE DI PIU', SEMPRE DI PIU', SEMPRE DI PIU')! D'ALTRONDE..VENNE, DA SEMPRE, SODOMIZZATA DAL BASTARDO CRIMINALISSIMO PADRE PEDOFILO PAOLO BARRAI NATO A MILANO IL 28.6.1965 ( E NOTO PEDERASTA INCULA BAMBINI ERA PURE SUO NONNO, SCHIFOSO PEDOFILO VINCENZO BARRAI, NATO A MILANO IL 3.65.1938, A "KAPO' " DI SCHIFOSISSIMAMENTE MALAVITOSA BSI ITALIA SRL DI VIA SOCRATE 26 A MILANO)!

    E A PROPOSITO DI STI ULTIMI DUE PEZZI DI MERDA, DELINQUENTISSIMI PORCI ....

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  5. 2
    E' DAVVERO DA ARRESTARE SUBITO (PRIMA CHE FACCIA AMMAZZARE ANCORA), IL TERRORISTA NAZISTA ED ASSASSINO PAOLO BARRAI, NATO A MILANO IL 28.6.1965. NONCHE' MEGA RICICLA SOLDI MAFIOSI E POLITI-C-RIMINALI, OSSIA FRUTTO DI MEGA RUBERIE E MEGA MAZZETTE, RICEVUTE DA LEGA LADRONA E STRAGISTA SPAPPOLA MAGISTRATI, NONCHE', TANTO QUANTO, NAZIFASCISTA DITTATORE E PEDOFILO: SILVIO BERLUSCONI! DICEVO, E' DAVVERO DA ARRESTARE UNA QUARTA VOLTA, E SUBITO, IL TERRORISTA NAZISTA ED ASSASSINO, PAOLO BARRAI. NON PER NIENTE, GIA' STATO IN GALERA 3 VOLTE. OPINIONI TUTTE TERRIFICANTI SU DI LUI! MEGA TRUFFATORE E MEGA RICICLA CASH ASSASSINO VIA CRIMINALISSIMA BLOCKCHAIN INVEST, OLTRE CHE VIA CRIMINALISSIMA WORLD MAN OPPORTUNITIES LUGANO, CRIMINALISSIMA WMO SA PANAMA E CRIMINALISSIMA BSI ITALIA SRL DI VIA SOCRATE 26 MILANO! NOTO PEDOFIL-O-MOSESSUALE SODOMIZZA BAMBINI! CACCIATO DA CITIBANK A SBERLE, PER MEGA FRODI CHE LI FACEVA! SBAGLIA SEMPRE IN BORSA! AZZERA I RISPARMI DI CENTINAIA DI PERSONE! FALSO&LADRO&TRUFFATORE! DIFFAMA SUL WEB A FINI NAZIRAZZISTI! FONDATORE DEI NUOVI MEGASSASSINI TERRORISTI DI ESTREMISSIMA DESTRA: "NUOVI NAR"! FONDATORE DEL, PROSSIMAMENTE, DI FREQUENTE, OMICIDA: KU KLUK KLAN PADANO! CONDANNATO AL CARCERE A MILANO ED IN BRASILE ( 8 ANNI E PURE PER PEDERASTIA OMOSESSUALE, RIPETO, PURE PER PEDERASTIA OMOSESSUALE)! MULTATO DA CONSOB 70.000 €! DESTABILIZZA L'ITALIA PER FILO NAZISTI SERVIZI SEGRETI SVIZZERI ( ITALIA, DICEVAMO, DA 30 ANNI, GIUSTISSIMAMENTE, NAZIONE SCHIFATA IN TUTTO IL MONDO, IN QUANTO FASCIOMAFIOSA DITTATURA DI BERLUSCONIA.. NON PER NIENTE, TUTTE LE PIU' GRANDI INDUSTRIE, IN ITALIA DA SECOLI, DALLA TIRANNIASSASSINA DI BERLUSCONIA SON SCAPPATE, VEDI FIAT, PIRELLI, LUXOTTICA, MERLONI E MIGLIAIA E MIGLIAIA DI ALTRE... E CHE SIA CHIARO, PLS, CHE IDDIO BENEDICA I GRANDI PM CHE NON SOPPORTANTO IL CANCRO DEL MONDO INTERO, SILVIO BERLUSCONI, COME HENRY WOODCOCK, ILDA BOCASSINI E CHIUNQUE ALTRO DI QUESTA AMMIREVOLISSIMA CATEGORIA)! FA CRIMINI SU CRIMINI E NAZI-ST-ALKING, SU INTERNET, SU ORDINE DEI PUZZONI CRIMINALISSIM SILVIO BERLUSCONI, PAOLO BERLUSCONI ED UBALDO LIVOLSI DI FININVEST. IL VERME ASSASSINO PAOLO BARRAI, E' ANCHE, DA SEMPRE, INNEGGIANTE ALLO SPAPPOLAMENTO DI MAGISTRATI SCOMODI "COME BERLUSCONI GRANDISSIMAMENTE FECE CON FALCONE E BORSELLINO"! PAROLE SUE, DETTE SPESSISSIMO! ORGANIZZANTE OMICIDIO DI DAVID ROSSI DI MONTE PASCHI!
    Ho tantissimo da scrivere sul gia' 3 volte finito in galera, accertato pedofilo omosessuale, ladro, truffatore, sempre falso, nazi-st-alker, mandante di omicidi ( spesso, ma non sempre, mascherati da finti incidenti, malori o "suicidate"... come quando fece ammazzare David Rossi di Monte Paschi, ma ne scrivero' in dettagli molto presto), mega ricicla soldi mafiosi e/o politico-criminali (piu' tanto di orrido altro), arrestato gia' 3 volte, Paolo Barrai, nato a Milano il 28.6.1965 e gia' residente a Milano in Via Ippodromo 105! Come presto meglio sottolineeremo, multato dalla Consob ben 70.000 euro!
    http://www.consob.it/main/documenti/hide/afflittivi/pec/mercati/2013/d18579.htm
    VI SONO TONNELLATE E TONNELLATE DI ALTRE COSE DA DIRE SU QUANTO SIA BASTARDO EFFERATO CRIMINALE E PEDOFILO ASSASSINO DI PAOLO BARRAI. TROVATE UNA, "NON DA POCHISSIMO", PARTE ( CHE PRESTO AMPLIEREMO ALL'INFINITO)...QUI:
    https://es-la.facebook.com/public/Truffati-Da-Paolo-Barrai

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