Tuesday, June 10, 2008

A Strange Morning with Swedish Boobs in Stockholm

Today was definitely one of the weirdest mornings of my life here in Stockholm. Maybe just of my life in general.

The day started out fine. Showered. Ate breakfast. Brushed my teeth. Managed to dress myself in a halfway professional manner for my less than professional job. I left the apartment at a relatively normal time. I live a few floors up so took the elevator down. And for a couple of floors everything was normal. Until the elevator stopped, at which point a girl got on. And said hello, which in and of itself could qualify as pretty strange here in Stockholm. But anyway. She was kind of punky, hipster looking. Skinny. Dark-dyed hair. She had on a grey hangy wife beater shirt. Kind of one of the styles that seems to be popping up in this summer weather. Under that she seemed to have some sort of bikini top. Now, in general I don’t stare indiscriminately at girls' chests. But something was amiss here. And being the astute and observant fellow that I am, I looked.

Instead of that bikini top acting as some sort of bra it acted more as a shelf. Because her left boob was hanging out. As all of this was registering she decided to take the weirdness up a notch. She asked me where she was. I responded. She thanked me. She then took out her phone and tried to make a phone call but was discouraged to find that since we were in the elevator it didn't quite work. Now mind you this all happened pretty quickly. Of course I was trying to figure out exactly how in the hell to handle this situation. It’s not exactly like telling someone they have a little broccoli in their teeth.

But the elevator ride continued. We rode down a couple of more floors and stopped once more. At which point she got off. And another guy got in. Whose eyes immediately found the left boob. He looked at me, I kind of smiled and chuckled and so did he. We shared a moment if you will. The girl then got back on and mumbled something about it not being easy and that she probably shouldn't get off there. I agreed.

So we made it to the bottom floor and she got off. I started to pull away in hopes of just getting out of there, because come on, her boob was hanging out. She walked fast though. But I have long legs. So as we got outside I pulled away a little bit. She was a sneaky one however and caught up and asked me how to get to a train or subway station. So I pointed her in the direction of the train station and started walking. She came with me. Keep in mind her left boob was still hanging out. At this point I had just made my decision that I was going to keep my mouth shut. Walk quickly, eyes straight ahead and delve deep into my Swedishness. That is to say avoid at all costs any sort of situation that could be the least bit awkward. And plus I kind of hoped that the cold of the outdoors might tip her off that something just wasn’t right. Of course that doesn’t solve plumber’s crack…

Finally, as we crossed the street she must have checked herself and the next time I looked at her, her boob was covered. Good times indeed. Anyway, we walked to the station with me giving directions every now and again but mostly just walking in an awkward silence. Because her boob had been hanging out for a few minutes. After a few minutes of walking in silence a light went off in her, what I assume to be, foggy head. “Oh I know where we are, my mom works right across the street.” You are kidding me. So now she’s trying to make small talk. At this point my mind is just blown. I respond and we continue walking. Somehow still together. I’m telling you, this girl walked quickly. We got to the train station. She pulled ahead on the escalator and I just let her go. No thank you or even a good bye. I mean clearly we had shared something special, but I was nothing to her.

The weird thing is she didn't reek of booze. She must have been drunk though. I hope. She was surprisingly chipper so early in the morning considering her boob was hanging out and she didn’t know where she was.

Throughout the day I’ve been reliving this in my head. Each time I have to remind myself that this actually happened. These are the things I will never forget when I leave Sweden. Stadshuset? Moderna museet? Djurgården? They’ve got nothing on the girl in the elevator with her left boob hanging out.

So welcome to Sweden. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I wanted to.

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31 comments:

Sara said...

Congrats! You are now officially a Swede!

The Hairy Swede said...

Sverige! Sverige! Sverige!

It doesn't quite have the same ring as a USA! chant but it will have to do and I think it is quite fitting in this situation.

smek this! said...

Relax, man! You just can't have a chip on your shoulder for every hanging boob out there. LOL!

Anyway, a nice piece of story. I loved it. The line "...my Swedishness. That is to say avoid at all costs any sort of situation that could be the least bit awkward." is so true, I must quote it sometimes :)

Anonymous said...

you made me laugh!!
thank you!!

sapphire said...

Boobies! O_o

Sorry, I'm a girl and just couldn't help laughing.

ellis said...

boobs, they do crazy things with our minds.

The Hairy Swede said...

oh swedish boobs bring out the best in everybody.

Raiha said...

Ah! That is soo funny. I can picture the whole thing! I just burst out laughing- naughty me, reading it during a meeting at work. All 10 colleagues looked at me and asked me what was so funny... all i could say was errrrr :-) Thanks for the great read!

The Hairy Swede said...

glad you enjoyed it. I'm pretty sure this is something that everyone can appreciate. because seriously... her left boob was hanging out. in the elevator.

Robban said...

Haha, that sounds like something from Seinfeld, only worse. I can't believe you went through that... While we're still on topic - was she hot?

The Hairy Swede said...

not especially to be honest.

Anonymous said...

did you even look at her face?

The Hairy Swede said...

well the left boob on a bikini shelf wasn't much to look at.

and Im a gentleman. obviously.

foxnomad said...

That sounds pretty Swedish to me, based on my experiences with the country and people ;)

Hairy Swede said...

it's quite the country isn't it?

Fronton Blog Team said...

haha :)
great blog

saludos from stockholm

Hairy Swede said...

Glad youve enjoyed it!

Anonymous said...

lol, sounds like standerd "dagen efter" to me. dont worry about it. net time it happens you could probbably tell her and you can both laugh it off or just pretend its raining. if you have a camera in your cell on the other hand...

Hairy Swede said...

it was pretty amazing. next time (because obviously this happens all of the time) Im just going to blurt it out.

of coure, cell phone cameras and swedish boobs... I kid I kid.

Anonymous said...

I dont really think its that weird. Unless she was really ugly. Then its weird that she got laid ;)

Hairy Swede said...

the beauty of beer goggles.

Anonymous said...

I have lived in Sweden for 30 years, and I have yet to have your boob experience. The closest to it was a non-American on an American beach, not noticing that her left boob had fallen out of her bikini top, but that wasn't a big deal. I am sure things like that happens all the time.

I think your experience have very little to do with Sweden, and that it's just one of those odd and rare things that could have happened just about anywhere in the world. Maybe she knew you were an American, and she probably being a weird person to start with, she decided to shock you. :-)

Hairy Swede said...

oooh I like your theory. Maybe I should play up the American thing a bit more when I see girls in tank tops.

Jeppan said...

Your not alone XD
I have seen 2 women sunbathing on a public beach, topless and even stood upp sometimes

Hairy Swede said...

well depending on where you are that might not be that strange. but an elevator... that's always strange.

LostInTraslation...Literally said...

this is by far my favourite and weirdest post you've done... that says alot about me.
You did exceptionally well in your situation. wish i was there to witness it. hahahaha

Hairy Swede said...

Im pretty sure this is my favorite too, I mean come on... boob in an elevator? thats hard to beat.

Anonymous said...

penis in an elevator? That would definitely beat 'boob in an elevator', don't you think?
I had such an encounter once, on the train though! public transportation seems to be filled with weirdos and for reasons that I can't explain, I always seem to cross paths with them...

by the way, love your blog. absolutely hysterical - or should I say awesome...:)

Lily

Hairy Swede said...

maybe, it would at least be more rare than boob in an elevator. unless there are a lot of short shorts being worn. then all bets are off.

Anonymous said...

Probably wouldn't get on that elevator...
L

Hairy Swede said...

some elevators should be avoided.