First, I’d like to draw attention to the fact that I am being culturally sensitive by referring to it as soccer/football. This isn’t easy for me considering football means Sundays and buffalo wings and controlled violence over the course of four quarters with someone winning and someone losing and a scoreboard that doesn’t read like binary code. But you know me, I’m just a culturally sensitive guy and I’m happy to fight the good fight, wouldn’t want to insult anyone you know.
Anyway, as I mentioned in an earlier post I just can’t get into soccer/football. It just doesn’t do it for me, but I’ve decided that living in Sweden, I have to try. And so, without further ado, I’d like to introduce to you to my surefire tips to making soccer/football exciting.
Tip Number One: Only watch important games. Pick and choose the games you watch. For example, no one cares when Aruba plays Montenegro. On the other hand, people care when it’s the World Cup and the game pits France against Italy and ends with a head butt. People care about rivalries like England-Argentina. Apparently some bad blood exists there. I blame that ridiculous mohawk thing David Beckham had for a while.
Tip Number Two: Watch with someone who cares. This can be vital. Excitement is contagious and when someone else gets into it it’s a lot easier to get caught up in their excitement. Watch with your soccer/football buddy who is a diehard ManU fan. Then cheer against him. Nothing like creating your own little rivalry to make things exciting.
Tip Number Three: Do something else while the game is on. Find something that excites you. Cook. Check your Fantasy Football stats. Read this blog. Have sex. Eat. Whatever. This way you can look up at the TV when the announcer starts screaming, you have now effectively screened soccer/football for all the exciting moments while still doing other exciting things. It’s perfect really.
Tip Number Four: Only watch the last five minutes of a game. Of course this is hard to judge because the refs have the power to tack on time at the end, but around the 85 minute mark games can get exciting. There is a caveat here though. One team should be down by a goal with something to play for. At this point, players decide that rather than hanging out in the middle and passing it around in a triangle they can start attacking and taking some shots. Shots on goal lead to excitement, mostly because the goal is the size of the side of a barn and the poor goalie is on an island.
Tip Number Five: Drink. Heavily. For the entire game. Every time, a player takes a dive take a drink (that’s worth at least five drinks per half). Every time the goalie makes a save take a drink (that’s worth maybe five drinks… per game). Drink when you see a crazy fan shirtless (depending on the game this could lead to alcohol poisoning, use your best judgment here). Take a drink for every minute tacked on by the ref. Drink for every yellow card, two if a red card. Seriously. Just drink.
Follow these tips and I think even the most casual fan can enjoy a soccer/football game. Or at least make it through 90 minutes (I can’t guarantee the extra time). Good luck and if you’re still having trouble check out Ellis Reed’s suggestions for fixing the game.